Opener

I see myself as a conflicting person, someone who doesn't seem to have any direct or indiscriminate motion. I feel illusory half the time im awake. like im losing my mind standing up. I funnel these range of emotions into my work, to give it a name, make it tangible. there's also something in it to do with the lack of control I feel I have. verging on frenzy and lashing out to the nearest bystander with whatever plagues me. maybe its just teenage angst or an undiagnosed illness that infects my mind.

I started out my art career working with feeling, working in the 3D. Clay was something I could mould in my hands it felt like something I knew was real and therefore could disseminate into whatever posture I wanted. I began my work with existentialism, working in line of the expressionist age artists like Alberto Giacometti, someone who could appreciate the lack of control, certainty of what will be and an unrelenting fear of what it was. Being of an idealistically similar belief I threw myself into my work, enacting expressions on clay head depicting them recoiling in terror. ripping away at them to mutilate their features and somehow keep their expressions of terror. as I am writing this now I feel that same sense of dissolution to my own existence. I do not know what I am feeling is real, is me or is in fact "it". This old familiar texture I feel in my lungs as I breath has been with me for years now. the slick realisation that I am in fact a free agent brings feelings of chaotic frenzying opportunity but terrorising and melancholy bouts of pale moments. Now in this act, I perform as two people, the first" The Boy who witnessed" and the second "The Man who committed". these two characters show no actual affection towards each other their entire existence even though now I have entrapped them within one vessel. still nothing.

I think about what other people think of, of me. what is it like to portray your father in your photography? do you know how bizarre that is? like a second skin that came naturally either because I wanted to in the first place, become my father or maybe I forced myself to attach to the only other person I knew growing up hadn't any inkling of love for myself or my mother, it made him something of a anomaly. All I had from my mother was kindness, all I had from my father was this vacuum and a phrase muttered to me in times of physical violence. "this is all your fault". I think sometimes when im sitting on buses whether or not that had any intended purpose for me either in the moment or later in life. was he thinking years ahead that I would end up pursuing the arts and creating pieces about him even stepping into the performative side of the arts and actings as him? did he plan this? or do I still idolise him to the point of deity and create this character everyone wants to be either in their own bouts of insecurity and loneliness or purely to be more than what they already are.

(ill be honest in a moment when I peak out of this mood, in this moment now, I do not know if this feeling is my simply losing my mind, or if I am just experiencing what any other body experiences. in this moment now I do not feel like I am alive, I see, I read, I write.)

my greatest issue in life right now is I feel nothing but an immense atmosphere of being truly alone.

with space/place I can work with memory further exiting new aspects of what was once an old train of thought reinvented over the rest of the foundation course. if not anything else all I have is my memory and this incredibly strong feeling that I must succeed. and succeed in extracting these ideas into reality to produce a line of memory not of just kaz but of me. a question that perpetuated itself in the minds of philosophers was "what am I" the most famous of answers being that, 'I think therefore I am'. to me "I am" isn't good enough. I must be more

P.s originally I concidered just writing fuck off to the stars, for what reason I do not know, something about space, and therefore you reader fuck off to them. but I felt that this slurry of a half readable internal dialogue was more meaningful. help better get my point across as it were.

SPACE/PLACE

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